[
A Little Thought |
Albert Einstein |
Adam & Woman |
Adam's suit |
Advice from Children |
The Aging Process |
Ah Beng from Singapore |
Airline humor |
Always obey a flight attendant.... |
Americans |
And You Think Your Job Stinks? |
An American Soldier |
An Apple Pie |
An Interesting Tale... |
Anagram |
Ansett |
Attitude |
Australian & American ]
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had die! d peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it for himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy. "Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?" "This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
A small boy opened the big old family Bible with fascination, and looked
at the very old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of
the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old
leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!"
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
Ah beng to a long-distance telephone operator: COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TAIPEI AND LAS VEGAS?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah beng: "THANK YOU," AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.
*****
At a bar in New York, the men to Ah beng's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Ah beng replies: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."
*****
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG." the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL". Ah beng replies. "NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS, LEH!"
*****
Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks,"Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts,"Gin! Gin!".
Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!"
Another smart aleck yells,"Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host : "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, you think I need their help? I got more original answer : Guni !" (cow milk in hokkien)
*****
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries. Soon after, he become very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng : "I pressed the 'F1' key for help ...but it's been over half an hour & still nobody has come to help me??????????????
*****
In an English class:
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Boy Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother"Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Boy Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay & Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)" Teacher fainted.
*****
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!"
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But..what happened to the other ear?"
"Aiyah! That stoooopid dumbo called back!"
*****
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends? Because below 18 was not allowed.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
12. Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
The Stewardess noticed that he was walking short steps and had a look of pain on his face.
"Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.
He would have promised anything and said so.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powderpuff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
"What happened?!" he exclaimed.
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button
marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your
pillow."
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
An American soldier, serving in World War 2, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, " Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted," You Americans, not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, " You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
After WW II many European migrants arrived in Australia not knowing a word of English and then there were no classes for learning the language.
At a lunch break an interpreter helped some of the workers to buy their snacks. Next day a worker goes to the canteen and asks for an apple pie, the same what he had the day before.
This went on for a few days when he noticed that a fellow ahead of him asked for a hamburger. So the worker asks for a hamburger. The girl serving him asked "white bread or black?" The worker replied "hamburger" The girl again asks "white bread or black?" The worker replied: APPLE PIE!
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Ron Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the descendent were aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by a elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.
When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the exaction that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son, for the death of Ronald Opus. Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. (A true story from Associated Press, by Kurt Westervelt)
An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever:
| Word | When you re-arrange the letters |
| Dormitory | Dirty Room |
| Evangelist | Evil's Agent |
| Desperation | A Rope Ends It |
| The Morse Code | Here Come Dots |
| Slot Machines | Cash Lost in 'em |
| Animosity | Is No Amity |
| Mother-in-law | Woman Hitler |
| Snooze Alarms | Alas! No More Z's |
| Alec Guinness | Genuine Class |
| Semolina | Is No Meal |
| The Public Art Galleries | Large Picture Halls, I Bet |
| A Decimal Point | I'm a Dot in Place |
| The Earthquakes | That Queer Shake |
| Eleven plus two | Twelve plus one |
| Contradiction | Accord not in it |
| Year Two Thousand | A Year To Shut Down |
Ansett Australia flight attendants are not only professional and friendly, but also have a wonderful sense of humour, according to a reader. On a recent flight, an air hostess told him that his "garage door was open". Being on a plane, he realised that she was politely telling him that his fly was open!
He tried to be amusing and asked her whether she could see his Rolls- Royce in the garage, to which she promptly and politely replied: "No sir. I only saw a Mini with two flat tyres."
An Australian is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Australian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
American: "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"
Australian (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In
America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American has a smirk on his face. The Australian listens in silence.
The American persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
Australian: "You mean jam & yes. Of Course."
American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling)
"We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast,
then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam and sell the jam to Australia."
The Australian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Australian: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
American: "We throw them away, of course."
Australian: "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle
them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."
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