Safety First

Shannon could hear the footsteps behind her as she walked toward home. The thought of being followed made her heart beat faster.
"You're being silly," she told herself, "no one is following you."
To be safe she began to walk faster, but the footsteps kept up with her pace. She was afraid to look back and she was glad she was almost home. Shannon said a quick prayer, "God please get me home safe."

She saw the porch light burning and ran the rest of the way to her house. Once inside she leaned against the door for a moment, relieved to be in the safety of her home. She glanced out the window to see if anyone was there. The sidewalk was empty . After tossing her books on the sofa she decided to grab a snack and get on line.

There she could talk to strangers without being afraid. After all, none knew who she really was and couldn't hurt her. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. Checking her Buddy List she saw GoTo123 was on.

She sent him an instant message:
ByAngel213: Hi I'm glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird!
GoTo123: You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you? Don't you live in a safe neighborhood?
ByAngel213: Of course I do. I guess it was my imagination cause didn't see anybody when I looked out.
GoTo123: Unless you gave your name out on line You haven't done that have you?
ByAngel213: Of course not. I'm not stupid you know.
GoTo123: Did you have a softball game after school today?
ByAngel213: Yes and we won!!
GoTo123: That's great! Who did you play?
ByAngel213: We played the Hornets. Their uniforms are so gross! They look like bees.
GoTo123: What is your team called?
ByAngel213: We are the Canton Cats. We have tiger paws on our uniforms. They are really kewl.
GoTo123: Do you pitch or what?
ByAngel213: No I play second base. I got to go.. My homework has to be done before my parents get home. I don't want them mad at me. Bye.
GoTo123: Catch you later.. Bye.

GoTo123 decided it was time to teach Angel a lesson. One she would never forget. He went to the member menu and began to search for her profile. When it came up he highlighted it and printed it out. He took out a pen and began to write down what he knew about Angel so far.

Her name: Shannon
Birthday: Jan. 3, 1985
age:13
State where she lived: North Carolina
Hobbies: softball, chorus, skating and going to the mall.

Besides this information he knew she lived in Canton. She had just told him. He knew she stayed by herself until 6:30 every afternoon until her parents came home from work. He knew she played softball on Thursday afternoons on the school team and the team was named the Canton Cats. Her favorite number 7 was printed on her jersey. He knew she was in the seventh grade at the Canton Junior High School. She had told him all this in the conversations they had on line. He had enough information to find her now. "She'll be so surprised," he thought, "she doesn't even know what she has done."

Shannon didn't tell her parents about the incident on the way home from the ball park that day. She didn't want them to make a scene and stop her from walking home from the softball games. Parents were always over-reacting and hers were the worst. It made her wish she was not the only child. Maybe if she had brothers and sisters her parents wouldn't be so over-protective.

By Thursday Shannon had forgotten about the footsteps following her. Her game was in full swing when suddenly she felt someone staring at her. It was then that the memory came back. She glanced up from her second base position to see a man watching her closely. He was leaning against the fence behind first base and he smiled when she looked at him. He didn't look scary and she quickly dismissed the fear she had felt.

After the game he sat on a bleacher while she talked to the coach. She noticed his smile once again as she walked past him. He nodded and she smiled back. He noticed her name on back of the shirt. He knew he had found her. Quietly he walked a safe distance behind her. He didn't want to frighten her and have to explain what he was doing to anyone. It was only a few blocks to Shannon's home and once he saw where she lived he quickly returned to the park to get his car.

Now he had to wait. He decided to get a bite to eat until the time came to go to Shannon's house. He drove to a fast food restaurant and sat there until time to make his move.

Shannon was in her room later that evening when she heard voices in the living room.

"Shannon, come here," her father called. He sounded upset and she couldn't imagine why. She went into the room to see the man from the ballpark sitting on the sofa.

"Sit down," her father began, "this man is a policeman and he has just told us a most interesting story about you."

Shannon moved cautiously to a chair across from the man. How could he tell her parents anything? She had never seen him before today!

"Do you know who I am, Shannon?" The man asked.
"No" Shannon answered. "I am your on line friend, GoTo123." Shannon was stunned.
"That's impossible! GoTo is a kid of my age! He's 14 and he lives in Michigan!"
The man smiled. "I know I told you all that, but it wasn't true.

You see, Shannon, there are people on line who pretend to be kids; I was one of them. But while others do it to find kids and hurt them, I belong to a group of parents who do it to protect kids from predators. I came here to find you to teach you how dangerous it is to give out too much information to people on line. You told me enough about yourself to make it easy for me to find you. Your name, the school you went to, the name of your ball team and the position you played. The number and name on your jersey just made finding you a breeze."

Shannon was stunned. "You mean you don't live in Michigan?" He laughed. "No, I live in Raleigh. It made you feel safe to think I was so far away, didn't it?"

She nodded. "I had a friend whose daughter was like you. Only she wasn't as lucky. The guy found her and murdered her while she was home alone. Kids are taught not to tell anyone when they are alone, yet they do it all the time on line. The wrong people trick you into giving out information a little here and there online. Before you know it, you have told them enough for them to find you without even realizing you have done it. I hope you've learned a lesson from this and won't do it again."

"I won't," Shannon promised solemnly. "Will you tell others about this so they will be safe too?"

"It's a promise!" That night Shannon and her dad and Mom thanked God for protecting Shannon from what could have been a tragic situation.

A Second

A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.
"God? You there, God?" he asked.
"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.
"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.
"Go ahead, my son, anything."
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God replied, "A million dollars to me is worth only a penny."
The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "Sure, give me a second."

Secret of Success

To be successful,

keep up a high self esteem,

always choose the right friends,

notice as soon as possible if someone is tricking you,

never stop being inquisitive,

relax,

think about the past sometimes,

take care of yourself when necessary

and if nothing else helps, act stupid, BUT

Sharing

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood up and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question to the little old lady. "Maam, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "the teeth".

Sheep

A bloke driving through the countryside in his Porsche. Stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says "I've got an offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got in this field, if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me and if I guess wrong, you get my car."

The shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees. "137" says the driver. "Damn me, you're right.", says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep.

The man walks away, stuffs the sheep in his car, and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. "I've got a proposal for you. If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep."

"Done", says the driver, counting up the number of nights he could be kept happy with 137 sheep. "You're a Consultant.", says the shepherd. "Bloody hell, how did you guess?"

"Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it."

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see"

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"

"What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent"

Short History of Medicine

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 BC - "Here, eat this root."
1000 BC - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 AD - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 AD - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

Signs (1)

Actual signs:

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Signs (2)

Signs seen ...

In a Nairobi restaurant
"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

In a Westlands jewelry store
"Ears pierced while you wait."

In the window of an Pakistani store along River Road
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

On the grounds of a private school
"No trespassing without permission."

On an Athi River highway
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On a poster at Kencom
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

In a City restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

On one of the Mathare buildings
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer
"Do not activate with wet hands."

In a Pumwani maternity ward
"No children allowed."

In an cemetery
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

In a Thika hotel.
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing please don't read this notice."

In a hotel in Mombasa
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily."

A sign posted in a tourist camping park
"It is strictly forbidden on our camping sites that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

In a mosque
"It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a New Nairobi Club
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In the same club
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Signs Seen Around the World

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Smile

Soap Story

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting the letters to the London Sunday Times!
***********************************************************************
Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
***********************************************************************
Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.

This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
***********************************************************************
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
***********************************************************************
Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was.

I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.
Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
***********************************************************************
Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.

I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
***********************************************************************
Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.

Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
***********************************************************************
Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
***********************************************************************
Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
***********************************************************************
Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.

I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.

Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
***********************************************************************
Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
***********************************************************************
Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.

Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.

Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
***********************************************************************
Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.

As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.

One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

Solar Eclipse

Solicitor

A solicitor answered his home telephone one night to hear the understandable noise of a domestic row going on in the background. He then heard the voice of one of his clients ask him breathlessly: "Tell me, Mr Bloggs, it's true, isn't it, that if I leave my husband I'll get the house and all the furniture?"

A bit annoyed, the solicitor answered: "Madam, you must realise that I can't possibly answer that sort of question over the telephone. If you would care to make an appointment with my office in the morning, we can arrange to discuss your options calmly and rationally."

He was appalled to hear the woman then say loudly: "Oh good! And I also get the car and the holiday house!"

Solicitor (2)

A young solicitor at a national law firm was toiling late into the night at his office, when who should appear before him but the Prince of Darkness!

"My spies inform me that you'd do anything to make partner", said the Devil, "so I've come here to make you an offer."

The lawyer, well aware of the Devil's legendary craftiness, said suspiciously: "Go on, I'm listening. What's your offer?"

"Well," said the Devil, "I'll make you a partner, but in return I want your soul damned to hell for all eternity. And not only do I want your soul, but the souls of your parents, your wife, your children and the souls of all those dear to you and their descendants, yea, even unto the tenth generation!"

The lawyer thought about this for a moment. "OK," he said finally, "so what's the catch?"

Solicitor (3)

God was patrolling the boundaries of heaven one day when he noticed a huge gap in the fence dividing it from hell. The Devil conveniently coming along just then, God stopped him and pointed out the hole in the fence.

"We have to get that fixed," said God, "so you'll have to contribute half the cost."

"Well, I won't," said the Devil. "I don't see why I should put in any money at all."

"But you have to!" argued God.

"Well, I won't!" said the Devil.

"I'll see my solicitor!" God threatened.

"Don't be ridiculous," said the Devil, "Where are you going to find a solicitor?"

Spooky facts or pure coincidence?

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

Squirrel

Stage of Life

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE	DRINK
17	Beer
25	Bourbon
35	Vodka
48	Double vodka
66	Maalox

 

AGE	SEDUCTION LINE
17	My parents are away for the weekend.
25	My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35	My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48	My wife is away for the weekend.
66	My second wife is dead.

 

AGE	FAVORITE SPORT
17	Sex
25	Sex
35	Sex
48	Sex
66	Napping

 

AGE	DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17	"tongue"
25	"breakfast"
35	"She didn't set back my therapy."
48	"I didn't have to meet her kids."
66	"Got home alive."

 

AGE	FAVORITE FANTASY
17	getting to third
25	airplane sex
35	menage a trois
48	taking the company public
66	Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

 

AGE	WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17	25
25	35
35	48
48	66
66	17

 

AGE	IDEAL DATE
17	Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25	"Split the check before we go back to my place"
35	"Just come over."
48	"Just come over and cook."
66	Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

 

AGE	DRINK
17	Wine Coolers
25	White wine
35	Red wine
48	Dom Perignon
66	Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

 

AGE	EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17	Need to wash my hair
25	Need to wash and condition my hair
35	Need to color my hair
48	Need to have Francois color my hair
66	Need to have Francois color my wig

AGE	FAVORITE SPORT
17	shopping
25	shopping
35	shopping
48	shopping
66	shopping

 

AGE	DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17	"Burger King"
25	"Free meal"
35	"A diamond"
48	"A bigger diamond"
66	"Home Alone"

 

AGE	FAVORITE FANTASY
17	tall, dark and handsome
25	tall, dark and handsome with money
35	tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48	a man with hair
66	a man

 

AGE	WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17	17
25	25
35	35
48	48
66	66

 

AGE	IDEAL DATE
17	He offers to pay
25	He pays
35	He cooks breakfast the next morning
48	He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66	He can chew breakfast

Sumo Wrestlers

The third Sumo who was smarter than the other two walked across the bridge.

Sunset from Space

This photograph was taken by the crew on board the Columbia during its last mission, the ill-fated mission. This photograph was taken via satellite, on a cloudless day.

The picture is of Europe and Africa when the sun is setting. Half of the picture is in night.

The bright dots you see are the cities lights. The top part of Africa is the Sahara Desert. Note that the lights are already on in Holland, Paris, and Barcelona, and that's still daylight in London, Lisbon, and Madrid.

The sun is still shining on the Straight of Gibraltar. The Mediterranean Sea is already in darkness. In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean you can see the Azores Islands; below them to the right are the Madeira Islands; a bit below are the Canary Islands; and further south, close to the farthest western point of Africa, are the Cape Verde Islands.

Note that the Sahara is huge and can be seen clearly both during daytime and nighttime. To the left, on top, is Greenland, totally frozen. Fantastic photograph!

Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside of them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Surname

A girl went down to the social services to get her family allowance. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne, and Wayne," she answered.
"They're all named Wayne ?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call "Wayne" and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Wayne, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their surname"

Survival Kit

Susie

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession,"I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math, and 20 in science."