Daffynition

• Barium - What doctors do when patients die. (The metal barium sounds like ‘bury 'em' [them].)
• Bowel - A letter of the alphabet such as a, e, i, o and u. (The intestine through which waste matter passes has been confused with the similar-sounding word ‘vowel'.)
• Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome. (The word ‘section', which here denotes a surgical procedure used during difficult childbirth, has been equated with its other meaning of an urban district, quarter or neighbourhood.)
• Cauterise - Made eye contact with a female. (A medical procedure which involves burning a wound to stop it bleeding and disinfect it sounds very much like ‘caught her eyes'.)
• Coma - A punctuation mark. (A sleep-like state has been confused with the word ‘comma'.)
• Dilate - To live longer. (To dilate means to grow wider, expand, and this became confused with the sound-alike ‘die late'.)
• Enema - Foe, not a friend. (The medical procedure of forcing liquid up a patient's rectum to clean out his bowels has been confused with the word ‘enemy'.)
• Fester - Quicker. (The process whereby a wound infects and fills with pus has been confused with ‘faster' - the comparative of ‘fast'.)
• Fibula - A very small lie. (The -ula ending of the medical word for shin [leg bone] was perceived as the diminutive of ‘fib' [small, innocent, white lie].)
• Genital - Someone who isn't a Jew. (The adjective referring to the sex organs has been confused with the term ‘Gentile', which describes everyone who is not Jewish.)
• Hangnail - Coat hook. (A piece of loose skin beneath a finger- or toe-nail has been mistaken for the hook one hangs one's coat on.)
• Labour pain - Getting hurt at work. (Labour means not only work but also childbirth.)
• Morbid - A higher offer. (A word meaning ‘diseased' has been perceived as ‘more bid', ie a higher bid.)
• Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates. (These nitrogen-based chemical compounds have been understood as ‘night rates'.)
• Outpatient - Someone who has fainted. (The definition of a patient treated at a clinic or hospital without being hospitalised has been confused with another meaning of ‘out': unconsciousness.)
• Recovery room - Place where upholstery is done. (To recover means both to regain ne's health and to reupholster furniture.)
• Rectum - Another way of saying destroyed 'em. (The lowest part of the large intestine is taken to mean ‘wrecked 'em [them]'.)
• Seizure - Roman emperor. (A sudden attack of some disease has been confused with ‘Caesar'.)
• Terminal illness - Falling ill at the airport. (Here ‘terminal' describes a disease that leads to death; but ‘terminal' can also mean part of an airport.)
• Tumour - More than one. (A mass of diseased cells commonly known as ‘cancer' has been mistakenly perceived as ‘two more'.)
• Urine - The opposite of ‘you're out!' (The liquid waste of humans and animals has been erroneously perceived as ‘you're in'.)
• Varicose - Nearby. (The term used to describe swollen veins has been mistaken for ‘very close'.)

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Jeff was the kind of guy you'd love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I'd be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jeff was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jeff was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jeff and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jeff replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, 'Jeff, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," Jeff said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line is : "It's your choice how you live life". I reflected on what Jeff said.

Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jeff did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jeff was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jeff was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jeff about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he said, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jeff replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jeff continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man'.

"I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jeff. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive and not dead."

Jeff lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Dating in ASIA

----- Here's what happened when you date ...

Caucasian women

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.

Japanese women

First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all
Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her panties
Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her, then she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before getting married to a Japanese man.

Malay women

First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers
Second date: You get to home base with her
Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law.

Chinese women

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive present but nothing happened
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen

Days in Office

Daughters

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE". Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: "ROTMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the Mother looks at the Rotmans Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.

The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

Design Details - If Architects had to work like Computer Programmers

Please design and build me a house. I am not sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them). As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminium, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminium, be prepared to explain your decision in detail) Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in the construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that the kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.

To insure that you are building the correct house for my entire family, make certain that you contact each of my children, and also my in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices you make. Please don't bother me with the small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house; get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. Keep in mind, however, that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under construction within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as interesting a project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS -- My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS -- Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

Doctor vs Mechanic

Larry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Bill Johnson, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager. Larry, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey Dr. Johnson...Is that you? Come over here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Larry was working on a car. Larry in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"

Johnson, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Larry, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

Do Not Talk To The Parrot

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the cheque. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Doberman, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen.

But just as Mrs Davidson had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Download (1)

Download (2)

Drink

Bruce and Con were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bruce said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Con says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bruce wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Con.

Con says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bruce says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Con says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bruce says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Adelaide!!

Duck

A big-city Victorian barrister went duck hunting in rural South Australia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the barrister climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The barrister responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant barrister said, "I am one of the best trial barrister in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in South Australia. We settle small disagreements like this with the South Australian Three-Kick Rule."

The barrister asked, "What is the South Australian Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The barrister quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old bastard. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the barrister's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The barrister summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old bugger! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck!"