[
Old Man |
Old Woman |
Oldies but some goodies |
Olympics Questions |
Olympic Highlights |
On a Positive Note |
Only $1 to bury an attorney |
Our Worth |
Outsourcing Our Future |
Overwork |
Overworked? |
Oxymorons ]
An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup at his doctor's office.. He says to the doctor,"I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child.. What do you think of that !!!"
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that ?"
The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!".
"EXACTLY" says the doctor.
One evening a family takes their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast,
and set her in a chair at a window over looking a lovely flower
garden. She seems OK, but after a while she sloowwwly starts to tilt
over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up
to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a
while she slooowwly starts to tilt over to her other side. The
nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on
all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to
her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all
right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
The following questions are from some of the letters that the Australian
Immigration Office received from around the world:
On a positive note I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems
today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way
he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as
making a "life".
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's
mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But
if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others,
your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart,
I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I do not have to be one.
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care
about... I just did. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.
A SPECIAL NOTE:
People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.
A lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice was asked to donate $1.
"Only $1?" said the Justice, "Only $1 to bury an attorney? Here's $20; go
and bury 20 of them."
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill.
In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands
started going up.
He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the
dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value...
THOUGHT: The worth of our lives come not in what we do or who we are...
CANBERRA, ACT - Peter Fyfe, Director, Residences at the University of Canberra and
father of two, has announced plans to outsource his children to a private enterprise
specializing in child rearing as part of his family's cost saving effort. Fyfe said
that his request for proposals will go out later very soon, and that he hopes that
a contractor will be in place by Christmas.
Fyfe says that he anticipates saving 25% of his child rearing expenses by hiring a company
which specializes in the field. He believes that between the things that his kids destroy, the
wear and tear the kids put on the family residence and vehicles, and the other expenses such as
... and activities, he should be able to pay a private firm about 75% of what he currently
spends on his children.
Although his children have expressed concern that being raised by non-parents would be
impersonal and would deprive them of some of their current privileges, Fyfe has worked to
alleviate their fears. He held a family dinner meeting to announce the decision and told the kids
that mere parents don't really know how to raise kids until the kids are grown. This is obvious
because every grandparent on the street has advice to give to any parent they meet. A
professional child rearing service would already know how to raise children and not make the
mistakes of a rookie parent.
The outsource proposal requires companies to provide the children with benefits at at least the
same overall level as they receive at home, with some benefits (TV hours for example)
expanding, while others (parental attention) declining. The proposal mandates certain "core"
benefits, such as food, clothing, and schooling; but, leaves the non-core (music, sport,
television) at the discretion of the contractor.
The outsourcing would phase in over a six month period, with the children initially spending
daytime hours at their outsource site and sleeping at their parent's home; but, as space
becomes available off site, the children will begin spending all their time away from home
except when they are desperately needed at home (for example, when the yard needs
"patrolling").
The children originally expressed dismay at residing off-site, but Fyfe told them that they
would have weekly visitation to the house to retrieve any personal belonging, get new books,
'perform' their musical instruments for, or talk to, their parents. This would also allow the kids
to visit their pet (one dog), at least until phase 2 of Fyfe's cost cutting spree, which includes
outsourcing the family pet. Fyfe would not say where he came up with the idea of outsourcing
the children, other than to admit that he and his wife were having a discussion about family
finances which illustrated the need to raise the family in a "better, faster, cheaper" mode.
Although his wife was initially reluctant to have the children raised off site, Fyfe convinced her
to accept the scheme because she too was eligible for "outsourcing."
Finally, it all makes sense. I am constantly tired, and constantly
stressed.
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much
pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 33 million. 15 million are retired.
That leaves 18 million to do the work.
There are 11 million in school, which leaves 7 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 4.5 million employed by the federal government,
leaving 2.5 million to do the work.
500 thousand are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 2 million to do the
work. Take from the total the 1,100,000 people who work for provincial and
city governments and that leaves 900,000 to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 712,000
to do the work.
Now, there are 711,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to
do the work.
You and me.
You are reading this e-mail which means you are not really "working".
Top 45 Oxymorons:
We hope you enjoy browsing 
Old Woman
Oldies but some goodies
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.
Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what
have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are
disabled.
Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left
are full of crap.
Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over
them for life.
Q: What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention
of driving.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A: A mechanic!
Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.
Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who
has the biggest tits?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their ass hole and they
vapor-lock.
Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q: Why don't pygmies wear tampons?
A: They keep stepping on the strings.
Q: What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist!
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Olympics Questions
Olympic Highlights
On a Positive Note
Only $1 to bury an attorney
Our worth
Outsourcing Our Future
Overwork
Overworked?
Oxymorons
45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation
40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization
35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead
30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence
25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly
5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works
and would appreciate any contribution, comment or
feedback.
E-mail: editor@aucca.com