[
The Painting |
Papercranes |
Peak Performance |
Pearl Harbour Vs Titanic |
The Perfect Man |
Photographer |
Politics |
Portable |
Praying for Others |
Printer Driver |
Prison Release |
Prison vs Work |
Proverbs from the little people |
Keeping Yourself Busy In Prison |
Programming Error |
Proposition |
Psychiatrists |
Put the Glass Down ]
Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they travelled around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many others adorned the walls of the family estate. The widowed elder man looked on with satisfaction, as his only child became an experienced art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors round the world.
As winter approached, war engulfed the nation and the young man left to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The art collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his son again. Within days, his fears were confirmed. The young man had died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic.
Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Christmas holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season - a season that he and his son had so looked forward to - would visit his house no longer.
On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls only reminded him that his son was not coming home. As he opened the door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand. He introduced himself to the man by saying, "I was a friend of your son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a few moments? I have something to show you."
As the two began to talk, the soldier told of how the man's son had told every one of his - not to mention his father's - love of fine art. "I'm an artist," said the soldier, " and I want to give you this." As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to reveal a portrait of the man's son. Though the world would never consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young man's face in striking detail. Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the soldier, promising to hang the picture above the fireplace.
A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars of paintings. And then the man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he had been given. During the days and weeks that followed, the man realised that even though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on because of those he had touched. He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and satisfaction began to ease the grief. The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the world clamoured. He told his neighbours it was the greatest gift he had ever received.
The following spring, the old man became ill and passed way. The art world was in anticipation. With the collector's passing, and his only son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on Christmas day, the day he had received his greatest gift. The day soon arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid on some of the world's most spectacular paintings. Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as many would claim "I have the greatest collection."
The auction began with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the painting of the man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid. The room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked. Minutes passed. No one spoke. From the back of the room came, "Who cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's forget it and go on to the good stuff." More voices echoed in agreement. "No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer. "Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a friend of the old man spoke. "Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I knew the boy, so I'd like to have it." "I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer. After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice. Gone." The gavel fell. Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with it and we can bid on these treasures!"
The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced the auction was over. Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and asked, "What do you mean it's over? We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son. What about all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars of art here! I demand that you explain what's going on here!"
The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of the father, whoever takes the son... gets it all."
There was once this guy who is very much in love with his girl. This romantic guy folded 1,000 pieces of papercranes as a gift to his girl. Although, at that time he was just a small fry in his company, his future doesn't seemed too bright, they were very happy together. Until one day, his girl told him she was going to Paris and will never come back. She also told him that she cannot visualise any future for the both of them, so let's go their own ways there and then...
Heartbroken, the guy agreed. But when he regain his confidence, he worked hard day and night, slogging his body and mind just to make something out of himself. Finally with all these hardwork and the help of friends, this guy had set up his own company...
One rainy day, while this guy was driving, he saw an elderly couple sharing an umbrella in the rain walking to some destination. Even with the umbrella, they were still drenched. It didn't take him long to realise those were his girl's parents. With a heart in getting back at them, he drived slowly beside the couple, wanting them to spot him in his luxury sedan. He wanted them to know that he wasn't the same anymore, he had his own company, car, condo, etc. He made it!
Before the guy can realise, the couple was walking towards a cemetary and he got out of his car and followed... and he saw his girl, a photograph of her smiling sweetly as ever at him from her tombstone... and he saw his papercranes beside her...
~Find time to realize that there is one person who mean so much to you, for you might wake up one morning losing that person who you thought meant nothing to you.~
Her parents saw him. He ask them why had this happened. They explained, she did not leave for France at all. She was ill with cancer. She had believed that he will make it someday, but she did not want to be his obstacle... therefore she had choosed to leave him...
~Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. She had wanted her parents to put his papercranes beside her, because, if the day comes when fate brings him to her again... he can take some of those back with him...
~Once you have loved, you will always love. For what's in your mind may escape but what's in your heart will remain forever.~
The guy just wept...
~The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them but knowing you can't have them.~
*Some friendships last for your whole life, *
*While others end with a stab of a knife. *
*No matter which way a friendship ends, *
*It's what you take out of it that depends. *
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.
The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system manager for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!! Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
A Chinese man went into a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he was amazed to see that he was sitting next to the famous Hollywood director, Steven Spielberg.
After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious punch from the Director. Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The director ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #@&%*~! My dad perished in that bombing!"
"I am not Japanese, you stupid **~#@#!?*! I am Chinese!"
"Yeah yeah yeah... Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, you're all the same",
retorted Spielberg.
Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a mighty punch to the director, sending him flat onto the floor.
"What was that for?" exclaimed the director.
"That's for sinking the Titanic! I had ancestors on that ship!"
the Chinese replied.
"You ignorant chink! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!"
shouted the director.
"Yeah yeah yeah... Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!"
"...The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to... "
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a speciality of babies."
That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er.., um.., ah.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? ..... Good Lord, she's fainted!
The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much to put makeup on two faces. - Maureen Murphy
A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island. The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray to God.
However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island.
The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.
After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was woman who swam to his side of the land. On the other side of the island, the second man has nothing.
Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. The next day like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing. Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side on the island.
The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.
As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming: "why are you leaving your companion on the island?"
"My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them", the first man answered.
"His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything."
"You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received anything of my blessings."
"Tell me", the first man asked the voice, "what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?" "He prayed that all your prayers be answered."
As seen in this light, it becomes easier for us to share the blessings of prayer, whether these blessings be material or moral. For all we know, these are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another person secretly praying for us.
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning.
She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked him
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he replied.
"And remember he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"
"I would have gotten out today."
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside
wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than.....................punch a 5th grader - (sorry or late)
Strike while the ..........................bug is close - (the iron is hot)
It's always darkest before.................Daylight Savings Time - (dawn)
Never underestimate the power of..............termites - (a woman)
You can lead a horse to water but.............how?
Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty - (feeds you)
No news is.................................impossible - (good news)
A miss is as good as a.....................Mr. - (mile)
You can't teach an old dog new.................math - (tricks)
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...............stink in the morning
Love all, trust............................me
The pen is mightier than the...............pigs - (sword)
An idle mind is............................the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's................pollution
Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents
A penny saved is...........................not much
Two's company, three's.....................the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what...........you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and....you have to blow your nose
None are so blind as.......................Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not............spanked or grounded
If at first you don't succeed..............get new batteries
You get out of something what you..........see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind...........get out of the way
And what might be best of all:
Better late than...........................pregnant
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
"The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal information about its customers - such as their political affiliation - on computer.
But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal abuse.
The institution decided to mail shot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically.
He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard." The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked."
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No sh*&? What law firm do you work for?"
Attending a convention, 3 psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right-now?"
They agree that this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I overbill patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
A lecturer was giving a lecture to his student on stress management. He raised a glass of water and asked the audience, "How heavy do you think this glass of water is?" The students' answers ranged from 20g to 500gm.
"It does not matter on the absolute weight. It depends on how long you hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it is OK. If I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance. It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
"If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, we will not be able to carry on, the burden becoming increasingly heavier." "What you have to do is to put the glass down, rest for a while before holding it up again." We have to put down the burden periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on.
So before you return home from work tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it back home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you are having now on your shoulders, let it down for a moment if you can. Pick it up again later when you have rested.......... Rest and relax.
Life is short, enjoy it!!
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