[
Keys of the IT Era |
Keys to Business Success |
Kid |
Kids' Books |
Kid Shirt |
Knock on Wood ]
Keys of the IT Era
Keys to Business Success
- Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents
in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.
People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.
People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating
the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
- Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the
casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and
generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't
exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but
they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your
best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving
valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show
your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened
salamander.
- Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it
looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your
workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's
volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your
cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage
for it when he/she arrives.
- Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you
just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want
YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice
mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work,
respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took
are of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold,
make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any
incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers
will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign
that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
Kid
A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small
town. The teacher of the one-room school decides to use her
position to try to influence the new student. She asks the
class, "Who was the greatest man that ever lived?"
A girl raises her hand and says, "I think George Washington
was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father
of our country." The teacher replies, "Well...that's a good
answer, but that's not the answer I am looking for."
Another young student raises his hand and says, "I think
Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he
freed the slaves and helped end the civil war." ... "Well, that's
another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for."
Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, "I think
Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived." The
teacher's mouth drops open in astonishment. "Yes!" she says,
"that's the answer I was looking for." She then brings him up to
the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.
Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approaches him as he
is licking his lollipop. He says, "Why did you say, 'Jesus Christ'?"
The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, "I know it's
Moses, and YOU know it's Moses, but business is business."
Kids' Books
Check out the latest books at Angus and Robinson to read to
your kids.
- You Were an Accident
- Strangers Have the Best Candy
- The Little Sissy Who Snitched
- Some Kittens Can Fly!
- Getting More Chocolate on Your Face
- Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
- Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
- The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals
of North
- Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!
- All Dogs Go to Hell
- The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
- You Are Different and That's Bad
- Dad's New Wife Timothy
- Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games
- Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets
- The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
- Babar Meets the Taxidermist
- Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
- The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
- Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse
- The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
- Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
- The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
- How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School
- Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear
- When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It
- Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
- What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
- Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
- Bi-Curious George
- Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Knock on Wood
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my
hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need
to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The other says, "Boy am I glad I don't have that problem! Knock on
wood." And she gave the table a quick rap with her knuckles.
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up
or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;
knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told
them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
We hope you enjoy browsing
and would appreciate any contribution, comment or
feedback.
E-mail: editor@aucca.com