Never argue with a woman who knows how to read

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your placement.

REST ROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, We will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees who names being with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Down tax $1.11
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union donts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01
NET TAKE HOME PAY $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Thanks!
Maria E
Problem Resolution Unit
Ext 3409.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the letter "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the languag is drisgrasful, and they should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar shanges vud of kors be aplied to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu undrstand esh ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!

Something we learn from Noah's Ark:

One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

• Headaches - Fish - Eat plenty of fish - fish oil helps prevent headaches. So does ginger, which reduces inflammation and pain.
• Hay Fever - Yogurt - Eat lots of yogurt before pollen season.
• Strokes - Tea - Prevent buildup of fatty deposits on artery walls with regular doses of tea.
• Insomnia - Honey - Use honey as a tranquilizer and sedative.
• Asthma - Onions - Eating onions helps ease constriction of bronchial tubes.
• Arthritis - Fish - Salmon, tuna, mackerel and sardines actually prevent arthritis.
• Upset Stomach - Bananas, Ginger - Bananas will settle an upset stomach. Ginger will cure morning sickness and nausea.
• Bladder Infections - Cranberry Juice. High-acid cranberry juice controls harmful bacteria
• Bone Problems - Pineapple - Bone fractures and osteoporosis can be prevented by the manganese in pineapple.
• PMS - Cornflakes - Women can ward off the effects of PMS with cornflakes, which help reduce depression, anxiety and fatigue.
• Memory Problems - Oysters - Oysters help improve your mental functioning by supplying much-needed zinc.
• Colds - Garlic - Clear up that stuffy head with garlic.
• Cough - Red Pepper - A substance similar to that found in the cough syrups is found in hot red pepper.
• Breast Cancer - Wheat, Bran, Cabbage help maintain estrogen at healthy levels.
• Lung Cancer - Orange & Green Veggies. A good antidote is beta carotene, a form of Vitamin A found in dark green and orange vegetables.
• Ulcers - Cabbage - Cabbage contains chemicals that help heal both gastric and duodenal ulcers.
• Diarrhoea - Apples - Grate an apple with its skin, let it turn brown and eat it to cure this condition.
• Clogged Arteries - Avocados - Monounsaturated fat in avocados lowers cholesterol.
• High Blood Pressure - Olive Oil, Celery - Olive oil has been shown to lower blood pressure. Celery contains a chemical that lowers pressure,too.
• Blood Sugar Imbalance - Broccoli, Peanuts - The chromium in broccoli and peanuts helps regulate insulin and blood sugar.