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Bank on My Account, Old Chap |
Barbie |
Becoming A Real Man |
Bed Time Prayers? |
Beer? |
The Bet |
Bill Gate'S Speech to Mt. Whitney High School |
Bird's Lesson |
Blanket |
Blind Policeman |
Blonde Guy |
Blonde Neighbor |
Body Mass Index (BMI) |
Bonne Peche |
A Brief History of Time |
Buddha |
Bulwer-Lytton Contest ]
An article from The Sydney Morning Herald - BANK ON MY ACCOUNT, OLD CHAP
My dear Bank Manager, I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank.
I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes. First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, chose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by personal cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of you branch, whom you must nominate.
You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application for Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phonebank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and be answered by an automated voice.
By pressing the buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus: 1) to make an appointment to see me, 2) to query a missing repayment, 3) to make a general complaint or inquiry, and so on.
The contact will then be put onhold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration.
This month I have chosen to refrain from The Best of Woody
Guthrie:
Oh the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated
for!
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per A4 page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone number service runs at 75 cents per minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client.
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the sale woman.
In a condescending manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes the Night Club for $19.95, Barbie Goes to College for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Opera for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the assistant answered. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's Rolex, Ken's furniture..."
A new two-year degree is being offered at "Life University" that many of you could be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you too can be a real man - as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
Autumn Schedule:
Winter Schedule:
Spring Schedule:
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
Summer Schedule:
Spring Schedule:
Course Electives:
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just
seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers, which went like this:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma.
Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day
of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much humming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her,"Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked,"Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!", laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president , "I'll bet you $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said "Okay but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow as 10:00a.m. as a witness?"
"Sure! replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he wa sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning at precisely 10:00a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the bank. She introduced the lawyer the the president and repeated the bet. "$25,000 says the president balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well okay" said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money and I guess you should be sure."
Just then, he noticed the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00a.m. I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kidswith no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $40,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and then ate him.
The moral of the story is:
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by this recent incident.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands, and moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage, and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito, and jumps too. The blond opens his lunch, sees the bologna, and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He makes his own lunch."
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied,,"There certainly is, my stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'".
The Body Mass Index (BMI) is a simple method to know if your are fit, underweight or overweight. Doctors use BMI to assess patients' health because the index is simple, correlates to fatness, and applies to both men and women.
BMI is calculated as follows:
BMI = Weight in kilograms ÷ [Height in meters]2 or
BMI = Weight in pounds ÷ [Height in inches]2 x 703
A healthy BMI for adults is between 18.5 and 24.9. BMI ranges are based on the effect body weight has on disease and death. We interpret BMI values for adults with one fixed number, regardless of age or sex, using the following guidelines:
Underweight BMI less than 18.5
Overweight BMI of 25.0 to 29.9
Obese BMI of 30.0 or more
A high BMI is predictive of death from cardiovascular disease. Diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure and osteoarthritis are also common consequences of overweight and obesity in adults. Obesity itself is a strong risk factor for premature death.
The following are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest, where one writes only the first sentence of a bad novel. Victorian author Edward George Bulwer-Lytton is famous for writing the novel that began "It was a dark and stormy night."
10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it.
9. Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.
8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.
7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.
6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.
5. Although Ellen had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store.
4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.
3. Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.
2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.
But the outright winner is ...
1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"
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