[
Lawyer's Compliment |
Legionnaires' disease |
Lesson..... |
Letter from a Mum to her Son |
Life and Friends |
Life in the Corporate Jungle |
Little Jonny |
Lion Cut |
Lunch Time ]
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
The number of confirmed cases of legionnaire's disease linked to the Melbourne Aquarium has jumped to 58 (3 May 2000). The Victorian Human Services Department says there are also 35 suspected cases of the disease, including some overseas. Two people have already died as a result of Australia's biggest legionnella outbreak. The Human Services Department has this afternoon released the latest list of cases. The department's John Carnie says one of the new patients visited the aquarium on April 25. All the rest were at or near the site between April 11 and 21. Nine are still in a critical condition. He says the department is awaiting test results on a further 35 people who visited the aquarium. They include two patients from New Zealand, one from the United Kingdom, two from New South Wales, four from Tasmania and one from Queensland.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What's are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.". "Oh I see", replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for university men", The dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy;
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
Dear Son,
I'm writing this letter slow - because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20kms from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a ute. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mum
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
The family picture is on His desk - Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on Her desk - Um, her family will come before her
career.
His desk is cluttered - He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
Her desk is cluttered - She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.
He is talking with his co-workers - He must be discussing the latest deal.
She is talking with her co-workers - She must be gossiping.
He's not in the office - He's meeting a customer.
She's not in the office - She must be out shopping.
He's having lunch with the boss - He's on his way up.
She's having lunch with the boss - They must be having an affair.
The boss criticized Him - He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticized Her - She'll be very upset.
He got an unfair deal - Did he get angry?
She got an unfair deal - Did she cry?
He's getting married - He'll get more settled.
She's getting married - She'll get pregnant and leave.
He's having a baby - He'll need a raise.
She's having a baby - She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
He's going on a business trip - It's good for his career.
She's going on a business trip - What does her husband say?
He's leaving for a better job - He knows how to recognize a good
opportunity.
She's leaving for a better job - Women are not dependable.
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good, " said the teacher.
"Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
"My sister-in law is from Oklahoma and has a slight accent. She has cats and when she lived in the south she would take them to the groomers and have what is called a Line Cut. To her a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat's tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or snarled).
When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cats fur got all tangled up during the move so she took it in for a line cut. She was quite surprised when she heard the price as it was twice as much as it was down south. She confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he said "yes, I know what a LION cut is."
It seems her accent came out sounding like LION not LINE and this is how her cat was returned to her. (see PHOTOS)
She cried for a week...but not as much as the cat. It was November in Chicago and the cat needed all the fur it had."
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