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Tech Support |
Technologically Challenged |
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Thank God for doctors |
Thermos |
Thought of the Day |
Thousand Marbles |
Three Lost Men |
Tickle Me Elmo's |
"Till death do you part" |
Timbuktu |
Time Management |
Tinted Windows |
Too short |
Training Courses Now Available for Men |
Training Courses Now Available for Women |
Trial Period is Over |
Two People In The Same Grave ]
To: Tech Support
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?
Jonathan Powell
To: Mr. Powell
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Tech Support
Just in case you think you are technologically challenged, look at this lot taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
Real Questions And Answers From Last Year's GCSE's
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back and says "Doctor, I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent they stink terribly."
"Good" the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we can work on your hearing."
One day Mikey is sitting in his apartment when the doorbell unexpectedly rings. He answers the door and finds a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object.
"What is that?" Mikey asks.
"It's a thermos," the salesman replies.
"What does it do?" asks Mikey.
"This baby," the salesman says, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would
really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrives at
the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other men were
curious about his new object.
"What is it?" they asked.
"It's a thermos," Mikey replied.
"What does it do?" they asked.
"Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things
hot and cold things cold."
"What do ya got in it?"
To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee and a popsicle."
The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it's the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it's the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.
A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the basement shack with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning, turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it. I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business.
He was telling whomever he was talking with something about "a thousand marbles. I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say.
"Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you're busy with your job. I'm sure they pay you well but it's a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours week to make ends meet. Too bad you missed your daughter's dance recital.
He continued, "Let me tell you something Tom, something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities. " And that's when he began to explain his theory of a "thousand marbles."
"You see, I sat down one day and did little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years. Now then, I multiplied 75 by 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime."
"Now, stick with me, Tom, I'm getting to the important part. It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail"; he went on, "and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy. "So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic container right here in the sack next to my gear. Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away. " "I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focus more on the really important things in life.
There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to
help get your priorities straight. " "Now let me tell you one last thing
before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This
morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if
I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And
the one thing we can all use is a little more time. "
"It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family,
and I hope to meet you again here on the band. 75 year Old Man, this is K9NZQ,
clear and going QRT, good morning!"
You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off.
I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the
antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to
work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife
up with a kiss.
"C'mon honey, I'm taking you and the kids to breakfast. "
"What brought this on?" she asked with a smile.
"Oh, nothing special, it's just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. Hey, can we stop at a
toy store while we're out? I need to buy some marbles..
"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you. " -Winnie the Pooh
Three men were on a deserted island and wanted to get back. Then a genies bottle washed up on the shore so they of course rubbed it, then the genie appeared.
The first man wished that he was back home with his wife and family, and suddenly he was back home with his wife and family.
Then the second man also wanted to be home with his wife and his family, and suddenly he was also back home with his wife and family.
Then the third man said "Oh I'm lonely now I wish my mates were back here".
And suddenly they were all back on the island!
A new employee is hired at the factory producing Tickle Me Elmo's. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says "This stupid bitch is so bloody slow and the whole line is backing up."
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles.
They both watch in astonishment as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between each Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After the foreman
finally calms him down enough to talk again, they walk over to the woman,
where the personnel manager says:
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give
Elmo two test tickles"
This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going coochie cooh?" asks the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife puts her hands on her hips and says to him, "You want a beer my love?"
Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie, but at the bar, you know, you get the frozen glass..."
He didn't get to finish saying the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?" She takes out of the freezer a huge beer mug so frozen that the wife gets chills from holding it.
The husband looking a bit pale says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those snacks that are really delicious. I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want snacks poochie pooh?"
She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different snacks. Chicken wings, pigs in the blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweetie puss, at the bar... you know... the swearing, the dirty insults and all that..."
"You want dirty words and insults cutie pie? HERE, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR FUCKING FROZEN GLASS AND EAT YOUR FUCKING SHIT SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"
The finals of the national poetry contest last year came down to 2 finalists. One was a Melbourne University Law School graduate from an upper-crust family. He was well bred and well connected. The other finalist was a westy/bogan from Broadmeadows TAFE.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word 'Timbuktu'.
The Melbourne uni grad went first. About 30 seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu."
The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the Broadmeadows bogan top that? The clock started again and the second contestant sat in silent thought. Finally in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:
"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three sluts in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
He won !!!
One day an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget.
As he stood in front of the group of high powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon, wide mouth mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. Then he produced about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"
Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?"
He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. And he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the space between the big rocks. He asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered. "Good!" he replied.
He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He
started dumping the sand into the jar and it went into all of the
spaces left between the rocks and the gravel.
Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?"
"No!" the class shouted.
Once again he said, "Good."
Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim.
Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this
illustration?"
One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no
matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can
always fit some more things in it!"
"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all."
What are the 'big rocks' in your life? Time with your loved ones? Your faith, your education, your dreams? A worthy cause? Teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all.
So, tonight, or in the morning, when you are reflecting on this short story, ask yourself this question: What are the 'big rocks' in my life? Then, put those in your jar first.
I am reminded of a real life incident of about 10 years ago.
I was working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new software system.
My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the password "Penis".
We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied:
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *****
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked,
"Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
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