[
Haircut |
Hands Free |
Hanger |
Hans Olaffsen |
Harry |
Hava a Break... |
Hearings in court |
Heart of watermelon |
Help Me! |
Helpdesk Tech Support |
The Helpful Guy |
How the company views its employees (HE VS SHE) |
How do you keep in shape? |
How many people can you see in the painting? |
How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace |
How to Survive a Heart Attack When Alone |
Husband & Wife ]
One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies: I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.
A Chinese guy goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Chinese guy is of course very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...
A dozen Chinese people waiting for a free haircut.
One day there was this blonde that pulled up to a gas station. She filled her car with gas then went to the gas station clerk. Then she asked him for a hanger. The clerk asked her why and she replied that she locked her keys in the car. So the clerk gave the blonde the hanger.
Thirty minutes later the clerks sees the same blonde outside. So the clerk decides to help them out. The blonde says, "No thanks."
All of a sudden there was another blonde in the car saying, "A little bit to the left."
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's
Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man.
"Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation
Center.
Man in front was big blonde Swede.
Lady look at him and go, "What your
name?"
He say, "Hans Olaffsen."
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
I say, "Sem Ting."
Harry and Martha were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Harry got up from his coffee and replies "Well, okay."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their morning cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."
Harry got up from his coffee and replies, "Well, okay."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cup of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went off and Harry didn't get the rest of the instructions.
He says to Martha, "What am I going to do now, Martha?"
Martha replies, "Aw, Harry, just leave the car in the garage.
These are things people actually said in court, word for word.
When I was a kid in Minnesota, watermelon was a delicacy. One of my father's buddies, Bernie, was a prosperous fruit-and-vegetable wholesaler, who operated a warehouse in St. Paul.
Every summer, when the first watermelons rolled in, Bernie would call. Dad and I would go to Bernie's warehouse and take up our positions. We'd sit on the edge of the dock, feet dangling, and lean over, minimizing the volume of juice we were about to spill on ourselves.
Bernie would take his machete, crack our first watermelon, hand us both a big piece and sit down next to us. Then we'd bury our faces in watermelon, eating only the heart - the reddest, juiciest, firmest, most seed-free, most perfect part - and throw away the rest.
Bernie was my father's idea of a rich man. I always thought it was because he was such a successful businessman. Years later, I realized that what my father admired about Bernie's wealth was less its substance than its application. Bernie knew how to stop working, get together with friends and eat only the heart of the watermelon.
What I learned from Bernie is that being rich is a state of mind. Some of us, no matter how much money we have, will never be free enough to eat only the heart of the watermelon. Others are rich without ever being more than a paycheck ahead.
If you don't take the time to dangle your feet over the dock and chomp into life's small pleasures, your career is probably overwhelming your life.
For many years, I forgot that lesson I'd learned as a kid on the loading dock. I was too busy making all the money I could.
Well, I've relearned it. I hope I have time left to enjoy the accomplishments of others and to take pleasure in the day. That's the heart of the watermelon. I have learned again to throw the rest away.
Finally, I am rich.
Three Texans cross the border into Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in a Mexican jail. They are told that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.
The first guy is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a graduate student from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they assume God does not want this guy to die, and they let him go.
The second guy is strapped in and is asked for his last words. "I am a graduate student at the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to protect the innocent." The switch is thrown, and again nothing happens. Believing that Justice has intervened, they release him.
The last guy is strapped in and is asked his last words. "I am a graduate student in Electrical Engineering at Texas A&M, and I'll tell you right now you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't replace that burnt fuse."
The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.
HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain.
HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal.
SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.
HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.
SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.
HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.
SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.
HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.
SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.
The boss criticised HIM.
He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticised HER.
She'll be very upset.
HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?
SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?
HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.
SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave.
HE's having a baby.
He'll need a raise.
SHE's having a baby.
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.
HE's going on a business trip.
It's good for his career.
SHE's going on a business trip.
What does her husband say?
HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not dependable.
THE SOLUTION : SPORT !
Fresh air in the mountain:
Joys of speed, on the Bike:
Or on a Wind Surf:
Play tennis!
Will make you smile:
Br brave:
But not too much:
Football leads to anything!!
Don’t get exited...
And stay brave...
Practice a quieter sport:
Develop your artistic side!
After a workout, don’t forget to rest:
Or you might break something!
Conclusion: Sport is fun!
It can help you getting older,
But only if you train regularly - so good luck!
Many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, what can you do? Without help a person whose heart stops beating properly begins to feel faint and has about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness.
However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously.
A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep inside the chest.
A breath and a cough must be repeated about every two seconds without let up until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.
Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and keep the blood circulating. The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a phone and, between breaths, call for help. You'll be giving yourself CPR with this technique.
Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives!
The above was taken from Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240's newsletter AND THE BEAT GOES ON... (reprint from The Mended Hearts, Inc. publication, Heart Response).
Why Divorce?
In a divorce court, a woman requested the judge:
"Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."
Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said,
"One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy!"
"Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? "
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Why?
Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be
home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another
man's arms.
Why, Dad? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said,
"Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
"When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife
would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the
slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same
service!"
Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next
door and said, "Do you see that couple ? How devoted they are? He
kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?
"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well
enough."
No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends,
"When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children
and even at our dogs and nobody dares to answer her."
One of his friends asked.
"And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied,
"I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of
them dares to answer back.
Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came
home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband
came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called
out:
'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.
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