A Rabbi and a Priest

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

Rabbit on Ecstasy

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says,
"Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says,
"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! ... Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,
"Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us all!"
The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he is on ecstasy!"

RAIO DOS PUTOS

Rats

A tourist wandered into a back alley antique shop in Sydney. Picking through the haphazard display of mouldering bric-a-brac, he was surprised to discover a highly detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture was so unique and so amazingly realistic that he decided to buy it.

"How much for the rat?" he asked the wizened old shopkeeper.

"Ten dollars for the rat, sir," said the aged gent, "but a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," replied the tourist rudely, "but I'll take the rat."

The purchase effected, the tourist left the shop with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crossed the street, he noticed two live rats emerge from the gutter and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder he began to walk faster, but every time he walked past an open drain, more rats poured out and followed him. By the time he had walked two blocks, hundreds of rats were at his heels and people were beginning to point and shout. The tourist walked faster, soon breaking into a trot as multitudes of rats swarmed from gutters, basements, warehouses and vacant lots. Rats by the thousand were now at his heels, and as he saw the waterfront coming into view he lost his nerve completely and began to run at full tilt toward the harbour.

No matter how fast he ran, the rats kept up with him, squealing hideously, not just thousands now but millions, so that by the time he arrived breathless at the water's edge the trail of rats behind him stretched further than the eye could see.

Making a mighty leap, he scrambled up a telephone pole, grasping it with one arm while he hurled the bronze rat into Sydney Harbour with all the strength at his command. Hauling himself further up the pole, he watched in amazement as the seething, squirming tide of rats surged over the wharf and into the sea, where every rodent drowned within seconds. Numb with shock, the tourist made his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah!" cackled the ancient shopkeeper. "So you've come back for the story behind the bronze rat!"

"No," said the tourist. "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

Read this only in your moments of despair

• Should you find it hard to get to sleep tonight; Just remember the homeless family who has no bed to lie in.
• Should you find yourself stuck in traffic; don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
• Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for the last three months.
• Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
• Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in some third world country, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week, for $15.00 to feed her family.
• Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.
• Should you notice a new grey hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
• Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering; what is life all about, what is my purpose? Be thankful, there are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
• Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!
• Should you feel depressed because of your weight; Remember, there is no cure for AIDS.

Recipe for Taking Christmas Holiday

3 qts of alcohol of your favourite taste
1 thoughtless moron or a descendent of one
1 car, preferably with bald tyres and faulty brakes

Method:

        Stew the moron in alcohol
        Pour the moron into a car
        Let the moron simmer - time varies
        Remove the moron from the wreckage and insert him/her into a satin-lined box
        Garnish with flowers and tears from the loved ones including the children
        Borrow from money for an expensive rip-off funeral

This recipe has been repeated more than 45 times during the current holiday season. It is so appetizing that it will be regularly indulged in for many years to come!

Redhead

A gorgeous redhead walks up to the crap table and announces, "I want to bet $5,000 on a single role. OK?" The boss looks up to management and gets the OK.

The redhead puts $5,000 down on the table and says, "Match it." The table boss places $5,000 down next to it and hands the girl the dice.

She states, "This is a lot of money. I want to make myself comfortable." She then proceeds to undress. She folds all of her clothes neatly and places them on the side of the table.

When at last her panties and bra are on the pile she screams, "Come to mama!" and throws the dice. She screams, "I won! I won!" grabs her clothes, the money, the dice, and runs out.

The Boss looks at his assistant and asks, "Was it a 7 or a 11?" Confused, the assistant replies, "Who was looking at the dice?"

Referee's Report

I have a referee's report for you.

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.

Sd/-

Project Leader
-------------------------------------------------------------------

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER:

That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the alternative lines 1, 3, 5, 7, ... for my true assessment of him.

Regards,
Sd/-

Project Leader

Who said religion was boring?

As seen on various church signs and bulletins:

• The Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the BS is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the church breakfast next Sunday morning.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
• A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
• Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
• The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
• Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Rich

How to Tell When You're Rich

When I was a kid in Minnesota, watermelon was a delicacy. One of my father's buddies, Bernie, was a prosperous fruit-and-vegetable wholesaler, who operated a warehouse in St. Paul.

Every summer, when the first watermelons rolled in, Bernie would call. Dad and I would go to Bernie's warehouse and take up our positions. We'd sit on the edge of the dock, feet dangling, and lean over, minimizing the volume of juice we were about to spill on ourselves.

Bernie would take his machete, crack our first watermelon, hand us both a big piece and sit down next to us. Then we'd bury our faces in watermelon, eating only the heart - the reddest, juiciest, firmest, most seed-free, most perfect part - and throw away the rest.

Bernie was my father's idea of a rich man. I always thought it was because he was such a successful businessman. Years later, I realized that what my father admired about Bernie's wealth was less its substance than its application. Bernie knew how to stop working, get together with friends and eat only the heart of the watermelon.

What I learned from Bernie is that being rich is a state of mind. Some of us, no matter how much money we have, will never be free enough to eat only the heart of the watermelon. Others are rich without ever being more than a paycheck ahead.

If you don't take the time to dangle your feet over the dock and chomp into life's small pleasures, your career is probably overwhelming your life.

For many years, I forgot that lesson I'd learned as a kid on the loading dock. I was too busy making all the money I could.

Well, I've relearned it. I hope I have time left to enjoy the accomplishments of others and to take pleasure in the day. That's the heart of the watermelon. I have learned again to throw the rest away.

Finally, I am rich.

The Old Rooster

An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.

"So they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you are the new stud in town? I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house. We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster, "and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap, I'll still win easy."

So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. after the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the young rooster chasing after the old rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Road Sign

Roundabouts

Round like a shot

R u the weakest link?

It takes about a minute to do. R u the weakest link?
I am going to ask you three questions. And you have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time you have to answer immediately. O.K.?
Let's find just how clever you really are ........
Ready?
GO !!!!!

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second. What position do you finish?

NOW! See the answer below..

Answer:

If you answer that you arrived first, then you are absolutely wrong!!!

Because you overtake the second and you take his place so you arrived second!!! !!

To answer the second question don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last then you arrive...?

Answer:

If you answer that you arrived second last then you are wrong again.

Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST !!!! The question is wrong! You're not very good at this are you???

Third Question

Subject: *Very very Tricky maths!

Note: This riddle must be done IN YOUR HEAD ONLY and NOT using paperand a pen. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total? (scroll down for answer)
Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don' t believe it? Check with your calculator! The decimal sequence confuses our brain,that always jumps to the highest decimals (100s instead of 10s).

That should have you in a bad mood for the rest of the day!!!

You are the weakest link. Goodbye.