Genie in a lamp

Beware what you say to strangers...it could be fatal...

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass.

"If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."

"I don't understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out.

He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

And I said, "No shit."

George Carlin's Message Post 9-11

Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - gross and mouthy comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent ... and so very appropriate post 9-11.

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour. We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Girlfriend Remote

Gloves

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No."
"Well", he spoofed "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!!

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

Golf Balls

Golf Clubs

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the mans replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Good news/Bad News

God is really angry with humans and their wicked ways and their destruction of all the good things he created in the world, so he decides the time has come to rid the world of this destructive element. He calls Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates and tells them of his decision to destroy human kind in 24h because of their wicked ways, then sends them back to tell the people.

Yelstin calls the assembly and says: I have bad news and worse news.....
The bad news is that we were wrong - there IS a god. The worse news is that he is really pissed off with us and will wipe out humans in 24h.

Clinton calls all the members of the white house and says:
I have good news and bad news.... The good news is that we are right, there IS a god. The bad news is that he is really angry with humans and will wipe the world out in 24h..

Bill Gates calls his staff and says:
I have good news and better news... The good news is that god thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. The better news is that the Year 2000 problem is solved!