Wanted

An Advertisement found in Canberra Times - personal column:

WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1, 3 and 5.

War

From: The Australian Prime Minister
My Dear Dr Alatas,

May I thank you, on behalf of the Australian people, for your country's most kind declaration of war, received in my office at 8pm last night. With sincere regret, I must decline your invitation to fight. If you could delay your invasion of our northern coastline until, say, 2015, I'm sure we'd be able to give you a terrific scrap. But at the moment I doubt we could even field a team.

Our F-111s are grounded again, and, because of their age (ours have the gearshift on the steering column, and those indicators that flip out of the door pillars), spare parts are available only at wrecking yards and swap meets. Also, we just can't seem to get them to run properly on unleaded. The Chinooks in Townsville are grounded, too. Losing the choppers is bad news as our fixed-wing capacity in the north is presently in tatters. Why? A slight kerfuffle over my good friend Warren Entsch's concreting business has left our RAAF base at Weipa short of a number of desirable features - like a runway.

Our Defence Minister, Mr Moore, sends his apologies, but insists that a war is presently out of the question as we don't have a Defence Secretary. Well we have one, but he's currently trying to wrestle Mr Moore to death in the Federal Court, for wrongful dismissal. It would be a little unfair on Mr Moore to begin a war while nobody in the Defence Department will speak to him.

You will probably know that the Chief of Navy isn't getting a new contract either but, even if he was, I could not possibly commit our senior service to any conflict. Our two Collins submarines, Drowning and Waving, have just returned from sea trials off Fiji to assess their design targets of silence and stealth. Every time they went into reverse, normal conversation became impossible across most of Chile and Peru. It is also disheartening that Drowning ran aground, especially as this mishap somehow snapped off her periscope. Think about it!

Not that we have enough submariners to man the boats anyway. Attracting career sailors to our modern professional navy has not been helped by recent revelations on prime time television that recruits are routinely stripped naked, smeared with food scraps and excrement, and flogged on the buttocks. I take no comfort from the flood of applications this publicity drew from Tasmania.

The army is still the bulwark of Australia's security, but even there things are difficult. Changes following the Women In Combat report, and same-sex relationship rulings, have, in my opinion compromised our flexibility. For example, both the First Heavy Armoured (Dykes With Pykes) and the Gay Fusiliers (The Queens Light Foot) refuse to fight for a fortnight either side of the Sydney Mardi Gras.

Other soldiers are insisting, these days, on owning the conflict and have begun to enrol in regular workshops to manage their aggression. High Court rulings may also mean, with no offence Dr Alatas, that we cannot engage in a battle against a racially-selected enemy force. Can you recruit a sprinkling of Europeans next time? By all means take as many of ours as you want.

It is a good indication of the quality of our Defence Intelligence Organisation that I am unable to send this transmission in code. The code books were stolen by an unstable, steroid abuser, Jean-Phillippe Wispelaere, shrewdly recruited by the DIO, and entrusted with most of our defence secrets. So now we don't have any. Mr Wispelaere sold them all in Bangkok. If you have any secrets you don't need any more, we would be most grateful for them. I should have the code books back soon. Christies are auctioning them in Havana next week. In the meantime, DIO suggests we do the old a=b, b=c, c=d code. They swear by it.

I know our refusal will be a considerable disappointment to you, but can I suggest that you consider invading New Zealand instead? Their only significant defence capability lies with their two Anzac-class frigates, Mulk and Lemb. I have no doubt you'll cream them, and I should know. They were both built in Australia.

Best wishes,

John Howard

What goes around comes around

His name was Fleming and he was a poor Welsh farmer. One day, while he was trying to earn a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby swamp. He dropped his tools and ran to the swamp. There he found, up to his waist in damp black compost, a terrified young boy, screaming and trying to break free. Farmer Fleming saved the boy from what would have been a slow and painful death. On the following day, an elegant carriage arrived at his farm.

An elegantly dressed nobleman got down and presented himself as the father of the boy Fleming saved the day before. "I want to compensate you," said the nobleman, "you saved my son's life." "No, I can't accept payment for what I did." the Welsh farmer answered. At that moment the farmer's son came to the door of the cabin. "Is that your son?" the nobleman asked. "Yes", the farmer answered with pride. " Then let's make a deal. Allow me to give to your son the same level of education that my son will enjoy. If the boy is anything like his father, I have no doubt that he will grow up to be man that we will all be proud of." the Nobleman said. And the farmer accepted.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the best school of the time, graduating from St. Mary's Medical School in London , and later became known to the world as the renowned Dr. Alexander Fleming, the inventor of penicillin.

Many years later, the boy he had saved from the swamp became sick with pneumonia. What saved his life this time? The penicillin.

And the name of the nobleman? Sir Randolph Churchill. The name of his son? Sir Winston Churchill, British Prime Minister during the Second World War.

Someone once said: What goes around comes around. Work as if you don't need the money. Love as if you'll never be hurt. Dance as if no one were looking . Sing as if no one were listening. Live as if Heaven resided on Earth.

What's in a name?

A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him, 'Sum Ting Wong'."

Who is gay?

"An employee for Ansett Australia, who happened to have the last name of GAY, got on a plane recently using one of his company's "Free Flight" programs. However, when Mr. Gay tried to take his seat, he found it being occupied by a paying passenger. So, not to make a fuss, he simply chose another seat.

Unknown to Mr. Gay, another Ansett Australia flight at the airport experienced mechanical problems. The passengers of this other flight were being rerouted to various airplanes. A few were put on Mr. Gay's flight and anyone who was holding a "free" ticket was being "bumped".

Ansett officials, armed with a list of these "freebee" ticket holders boarded the plane to remove the free ticket holders. Of course, our Mr. Gay was not sitting in his assigned seat as you may remember. So when the Ticket Agent approached the seat where Mr. Gay was supposed to be sitting, she asked a startled customer "Are you Gay?". The man, shyly nodded that he was, at which point she demanded: "Then you have to get off the plane".

Mr. Gay, overhearing what the Ticket Agent had said, tried to clear up the situation: "You've got the wrong man. I'm Gay!". This caused an angry third passenger to yell "Hell, I'm gay too! They can't kick us all off!"

Confusion reined as more and more passengers began yelling that Ansett Australia had no right to remove gays from their flights.

Ansett refused to comment on the incident."

Who is Jack Schitt?

The Lineage is finally revealed!!! Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!!".

Now, with the family tree in hand, you can easily handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer manufacturing magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner and proprietor of Knee-deep N. Schitt Inc., a fertilizer distributor.

In turn Jack married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins Deap Schitt and Dipp Schitt. Against her parents' objections Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and since her younger children were still living with them, she kept her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dipp Schitt Married Loda Schitt and produced a nervous, hypertensive son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla and Giva were inseparable through childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual wedding ceremony. The newspapers announced the joyous occasion as the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens offspring were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt" you can tell them you know the whole Schitt Family!

Why Women Talk More than Men

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.

It read "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000" The wife thought for a while, then finally she said "Its because we have to repeat everything we say."

Wish List

There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they come across a golden frog, they think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he doesn't often meet people, but when he does he gives them six wishes. He tells them that they can have 3 wishes each.

The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. Which the frog immediately does.

The rabbit after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.

The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish, he asks that all the bears in the neighbouring forests be female as well, and thus it is so!

The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.

The bear cannot believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes that he could of had for himself.

Shaking his head, he makes his final wish, 'That all the other bears in the world be female as well. The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.

The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for a second, and then says, "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!

Wishing Well

A couple comes up to a wishing well. The husband leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a coin. His wife decides to make a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.

The guy says, "Bloody Hell, it works!"

Wizard

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".

Wealth is All in One's Point of View

One day...a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were. They stayed one day and one night in the farm of a very humble farm house.

At the end of the trip and back home the father asked the son, "What did you think of the trip?"

The son replied: Very nice Dad

Father: Did you noticed how poor they were?

Son: Yes

Father: What did you learn?

Son:I learned that we have one dog in the house...and they have four. We have a fountain in the garden and they have a stream that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden, they have the stars. Our garden goes to the edge of our property, they have the entire horizon as their back yard.

At the end of the son's reply the father was speechless and his son added, "Thank you dad for showing me how poor we really are."

Isn't it true that all depends on the crystal you use to see life?

Women in the 50's

FOLLOWING IS FROM AN ACTUAL 1950'S HOME ECONOMICS TEXTBOOK INTENDED FOR HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS, TEACHING THEM HOW TO PREPARE FOR MARRIED LIFE:

1. Have dinner ready.
   Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself.
   Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter.
   Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gather up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children.
   Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise.
   At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS.
   Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable.
   Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him.
   You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his.
   Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.
10. The goal.
    Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Women's English

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game onTV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

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Worst Day

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."