[
Mad Cow |
The Magician and the Parrot |
Management Lessons |
Management Productivity Devices |
Marriage |
Meeting |
Men and Women Compared |
Men just don't know their place anymore..... |
Merry Christmas and Have a Happy New Year! |
The Missing Ladle |
Moroccan Car
A Mother-in-law joke |
The Mule |
My Doctor Said ... ]
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captains' parrot saw the shows each week and
began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once the parrot
understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as
fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for
a day and then another.
On the third day, the parrot could not hold back:
"Ok, I give up. Where the hell is the ship?"
A guy walks into a restaurant and sits down, accidentally knocking a spoon off his table. A waiter immediately rushes over, pulls out a spoon from his breast pocket and places it on the table. The patron is impressed: "Do you always carry a spoon in your pocket?"
The waiter replies, "Yes. Management conducted a study which determined that 17.8% of our patrons knock over their spoon during the course of their meal. So management now requires us to carry a spoon as a productivity enhancement measure so we don't have to make so many trips to the kitchen for clean utensils.
The patron is duly impressed. During the course of his meal, he notices that all the waiters have strings coming out of their front zippers. He calls over his waiter. "I couldn't help noticing the string coming out of your zipper..."
"Ah yes," the waiter replies, "another management productivity device. Every waiter is required to have a string tied to his penis so when we have to urinate, rather than touching ourselves which would require washing our hands afterward, all we have to do is pull on the string and go about our business. Great time saving device."
"Fascinating," replied the patron. "But tell me: How do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"I don't know about the other guys," answered the waiter, "but I use a spoon."
NICKNAMES:
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy,
Godzilla,Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT:
When the girls get their
bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:
BATHROOMS:
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
CATS:
FUTURE:
SUCCESS:
MARRIAGE:
DRESSING UP:
NATURAL:
OFFSPRING:
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat race, your'e a male chauvinist pig.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his
mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the
housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to
wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met
the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be
sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you
'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did
not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which
said "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your
housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her
own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
The Moroccan automotive industry introduces the new GEO/D, 2-passanger car with a
stunning fuel efficiency of 350 miles per gallon!
"... our key to success is creativity and innovation ... this is only the
beginning, next year we will surprise the world with our bigger and more powerful 2-Horsepower
and 4-Camelpower models ..." says H Mazgaldy, Chief Engineer of
Siarra Industries.
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetary. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash.
Behind them were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know
now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like
this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman with the dog replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
The old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before
spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy
another mule.
His $125 didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his
purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day
with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer agreed
to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the
mule dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry
to have to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for
your spring garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back,
but Jim said a bargain was a bargain, loaded the mule on his
truck and left.
A couple of months later the mule dealer happened to drive
by Jim's place and was astonished to see Jim working his
garden on a *NEW* $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn,
he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had
managed to buy a tractor when not to long ago all he had
was the $125 that he'd spent on the mule that died.
"Well", Jim explains, "After leaving with the mule, I had this
idea. So I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000
$2 raffle tickets printed up. Grand prize: Gardening
Equipment. I sold all the raffle tickets to people around
town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment?"
We hope you enjoy browsing 
Marriage
To both married and going to be married men:
Father: I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it!
Son: Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in China, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries?
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.
Meeting
Men and Women Compared
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Suzanne,
Debra and Rose.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each
throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and
none will actually admit they want change back.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a
$2 item that she doesn't
want.
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, comb,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she
does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the
plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the
mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men just don't know their place anymore.....
If you stay at home and do the housework, your'e a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her and the kids.
If you don't work hard enough, your'e a good-for-nothing layabout.
If she has a boring, repetitive job with low pay, that's
exploitation.
If he has a boring, repetitive job with low pay, he should
get off his arse and find something better.
If a man gets a promotion ahead of her, that's favouritism.
If she gets promotion ahead of a man, that is equal opportunity.
If we mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment.
If we keep quiet, its typical male indifference.
If we cry, we're a sheila.
If we don't, we're an insensitive bastard.
If he makes a decision without consulting her, he's a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without regard to his feelings,
she's a liberated woman.
If he asks her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that is
domination.
If she asks him, that is a favour.
If we appreciate beauty in the female form, we're perverts.
If we don't notice, we're poofters.
If we like a woman to keep in shape and shave her legs,
that is sexist.
If we don't care, that is unromantic.
If we try to keep ouselves in shape, that is vanity.
If we don't, we're slobs.
If we buy her flowers, we're after something.
If we don't, we're forgetful.
If we are proud of our achievements, we're up ourselves.
If we aren't, we're not ambitious.
If we ask for a cuddle, its because we only ever think about sex.
If we're totally whacked after a bad day at the office,
its because we never care about other people's needs.
If she has a headache, its because she's tired.
If he has a headache, its because he doesn't love her any more.
If he wants it too often, he's oversexed.
If he can't perform on cue, there must be someone else.
p.s. Marriage was the first Union to defy Management.
Merry Christmas and Have a Happy New Year!
The Missing Ladle
Moroccan Car
A Mother-in-law Joke
The Mule
"From you."
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"I got it from you."
"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet that
really made a lot of people mad when they found out about
it."
"Naw, not really, the only one really ticked off was the
winner, and I gave him his money back."
My Doctor Said ...
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