Jack and Jill

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He said, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.' So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on." So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

Jamaican Father

A proud Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

Journalism

• Jon Snow: "In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?"
  Expert: "Er, yes." (Channel 4 News)
• "As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." (John Sleightholme - BBC1)
• "If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal." (Jimmy Hill - BBC)
• "Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different names." (Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3)
• "Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily." (Louise Wener (of Sleeper) in Q Magazine)
• "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio Sports Commentary)
• Listener: "My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg fell off at the altar on my wedding day."
  Simon Fanshawe: "How awful! Do you still have an artificial leg?" (Talk Radio)
• Interviewer: "So did you see which train crashed into which train first?"
  15-year-old: "No, they both ran into each other at the same time." (BBC Radio 4)
• Presenter (to palaeontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
  Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
  Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
  Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks." (GLR)
• Kilroy-Silk: "Did you mean to get pregnant?"
  Girl: "No. It was a cock-up."
• Grand National winning jockey Mick Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that!"
  Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everyone saw that." (BBC)